My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway