what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
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Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.