You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that