UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow