“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time