my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.