Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…