“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
(True)
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.