This might be the funniest tweet ever
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.