u guys got any snacks onboard here
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
asking santa clause for nudes
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*