middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Snapes on a plane.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”