Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.