There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.