@iwearaonesie

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

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@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

@Darlainky

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@crunchenhanced

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

@melibuff

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

@dshack8

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more