[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest