[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?
[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more