It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.