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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
what’s really going on
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.