People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
japanese corn
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Thursday
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*