*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.