People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.