getting old is fun
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.