FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Wait a minute…
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.