“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat