A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Barbie gone wild
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me in tagged photos
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.