Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My favorite farside!!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal