It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
We avoided this particular disaster
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?