“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad