Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
my mind
You just read my mind
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving