Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
🤣dope
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.