Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
if my sleeping schedule was a person
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.