Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
the pigeons are already plenty salty