My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
What?!?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?