My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some