Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
You Might Also Like
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Finally, an explanation.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
what’s more important?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.