Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
guys I’m going home
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.