My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
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Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Stick it to the man
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO