Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You Might Also Like
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Nice try Hitler
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT