my one true gender
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.