me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
started wrapping my pills in cheese
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”