I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.