It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Had to try this trend 😊
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.