Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The Others (2001)
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
how long have you had this for?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”