Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My Guy
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call