Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Banana is the quietest snack
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.