@birbigs My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
@KonaSlater Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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@birbigs 
@DadandBuried My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@TheToddWilliams BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
@chompie1337 dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
@MichaelJErhart *Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
@lemmywinkler Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
@JohnLyonTweets [flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@Brianhopecomedy “Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
@torahhorse support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
@3sunzzz My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.