Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying