@KonaSlater

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

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@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

@chompie1337

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

@lemmywinkler

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

@JohnLyonTweets

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.