11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
584.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.