Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..