Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
our love story in four pictures
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.