Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
When you’re here for the treats.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.