Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
accurate
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face