I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents